"How Not to Drive" By: The State of California

Ever since I moved here, I've noticed a creeping tension in my shoulders that tightens every time i get behind the wheel. i go to change lanes, and my neck goes taut. I merge to an off ramp, and my heart skips a beat.

WHY? I've been wondering this. Why? I'm from the East Coast, where driving's said to be tougher. I cut my teeth driving in Boston of all places, where offensive driving is the best defense and the one with the crappier, bigger car always wins. I'm a masshole - we are the worst drivers in the country next to rhode islanders (and if you've ever been cut off by a beat-up van with "ocean state" plates, you know what i mean).

But here i'm getting nervous behind the wheel. WHY?

I'll tell you why. Because in Boston, we may cut you off with inches to spare. We may beep our horns and swear repeatedly in the comfort of our cars. We might drive too close to you, or *speed up* to keep you from merging into our lane. But we always know where your car is at any given moment. We know about the kid on the sidewalk, the car two feet behind and the car three inches in front, and we know that we have enough speed and room to merge into that lane.

here's the difference: PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA HAVE NO IDEA.

why?

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. they have no idea where you are. they don't care. they'll merge into another lane without bothering to look over their shoulder. they'll decide at the last minute to turn right into the gas station and not notice your little car. they'll merge into another lane without noticing that you're RIGHT NEXT TO THEM.

and now i'm starting to notice all of the dented cars on the road. seriously. dented fenders, bumpers - on some really nice cars, too. we may have our crappy cars in boston, but if we get a dent, insurance picks that up and we get it fixed. there is no reason to drive around with a dented car. but here they can't fix them fast enough. because some spaced-out idiot is going to come zooming down the ramp onto the freeway and not notice the dutifully signalling and over-the-shoulder-looking masshole turning toward the off ramp.