WHAT is my purpose?

for the last 2 months, i've been doing a lot of questioning. of my fabulous relationship, job, and friendships. i don't know where it came from. i just know that the impulse to question - and sometimes to just move, act, or do something - is strong and deep. these are such big pieces of my life that you can't just move act or do something. but when you have such anxiety, the stress of questioning is overwhelming.

so, i started searching for answers to my questions - or even words to articulate these deep questions that i can't bring myself to voice. i spoke with friends, called my mom, talked to my boyfriend, went to a therapist, and went to an astrologer.

they all helped...but they didn't rid me of the doubt.

today, i remembered something that the astrologer told me: someone born under my kind of chart has a purpose. i have a purpose - a mission. and it sounds hokey, but i've always felt this. that i have a reason to be here. and i've been looking for it for a while. because i also like to act, accomplish and get things done. as she told me about my purpose, i felt overwhelmed. choked up as i listened.

and today i thought - what if what i'm searching for isn't a flaw in any of my pieces, but rather the purpose? it's so easy to assign doubt, blame or dearth to the pieces. but it's the whole that ties it all together. so what is the big picture? what is the big whole that i'm missing? is it my purpose? is it spiritual?

crap. i wish i knew. but i do feel like i'm one question closer....to another question....to another question....

It's a good day to be an American.

Last night my stomach slowly untwisted after two years of campaigning to sit still, listen, watch, and soak it all in. What a beautiful moment. I watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech at a bar in SF (our third - the first two were packed). Everyone stood, everyone watched and everyone in that dirty sweaty metal bar listened to the president-elect.

He told us that we did this together. That together we make a beautiful country and that together we will work to build a beautiful future.

"He speaks like an angel!" Someone yelled at the bar.

That was the only interruption. I listened to his words and his story of my country and I felt for the first time in a long time that it was OUR country. that I shared it. That it wasn't a country I fought over with other people. That it was OURS. And I had that feeling that I used to get watching WWII documentaries. That choked-up feeling when you're proud, so proud to come from a place where anything is possible, and where people stand up for each other. I felt so, so proud to be an american. And I cried like a little kid.

But it wasn't the pride of the past; of the greatest generation or the good war. It was the pride of today. Of NOW. Because last night I heard our leader call us to do some work, and to do it together. Because a government by the people and for the people and of the people has not perished from this earth.

After the speech, we went out into the streets where drivers were honking, people were cheering and dancing and yelling. At valencia and 19th, and again at guerrero and 16th parties had literally started in the streets. People had grabbed pots and spoons from their kitchens and were using them for instruments. Someone was dressed in a tuxedo with red, white and blue lights all over him - he was dancing on top of a van. Some people were drumming. A band had set up on one curb. People were dancing and kissing and chanting and singing. It was the most joyous public celebration I've ever seen. I'll never forget it. here's a link to a vid a friend took of some patriotic celebration in sf: http://www.flickr.com/photos/obeyken/3005541567/in/photostream/

Just like I'll never forget that speech I heard in 2004 at the DNC in Boston. When now PRESIDENT-ELECT Obama brought the Fleet Center to its feet not on the power of his reputation, but the power of his shared vision for all of us.