R.I.P.: Me

Jessica Mele, 27, of Wrentham, MA, died today after eating an impossibly heavy deep-dish pizza pie. She was alone, living in someone else's house, and accompanied only by a dog, Rudy, who had obscenely bad breath and a gimpy leg. Rudy finished off the pizza before calling 911 to report the death.

Autopsy revealed that self-pity was a contributing factor.

(Her surviving family, parents Pam and John, and brother Timothy, inexplicably erected a celtic cross in memorium, even though they are not irish)